Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Purity. Dating. Courtship. Intentional Parenting.

I just had the opportunity to speak to my local homeschooling support group on Dating and Courtship. While composing the list a resources, it occurred to me that my blog readers and cyber friends might could benefit from my research...

God has also granted us a plethora of resources on the topic, starting of course with the Bible. Here is a list of other resources, many of which I referenced or studied in preparing my presentation.


There are a couple of online sermon series that I found to be both relevant and challenging. The first, from Pastor Brian Watts, is entitled Deterring Dating and Clarifying Courtship. This page has brief outlines as well as audio files for you to either listen to online or download. If you prefer a longer printed outline for reading, click here.

Another series I found was by Pastor Steve Lewis, From Modesty to Marriage:Training our Sons and Daughters in Purity. This is a six part series that explores modesty and purity as well as relationships with the opposite gender in a Biblical context. I have not listened to the whole series, but found the outlines to be very Scripturally sound and I am looking forward to listening to the whole series. You also have the option to watch a slideshow with audio on this site.

Respected and Author Michael Farris wrote this article: Five Lessons on Courtship. He also wrote about avoiding the dating trap through emotional abstinence. I like to call it 'guarding your heart.'

Dr. Jeff Myers writes about having integrity in relationships. In this article, he covers three simple principles to apply to relationships.

This graph illustrates the three stages of courtship.

If after reviewing this material, you and your family decide to pursue courtship, you may find these "parent/child agreements" beneficial.

In our Christian faith, it can be very easy to take new ideas or teachings and begin to elevate them to a place they don't deserve. We begin to follow the 'letter of the law rather than the spirit of the law.' That's called legalism and it's very dangerous. Here's a good read for some perspective on how to best avoid the legalism trap: Morality is not the Point.


One of the questions at the meeting was wondering how to best equip our kids to navigate the questions and pressure from peers. I have a couple thoughts on this. First, we cannot expect that if we simply tell our kids our convictions over and over that they will understand or comply all the time. One of the challenges of parenting is getting our kids not to be outwardly compliant, but motivated by the condition of their hearts. We must get them to own the principles, values and faith of our family for themselves. The best way to do this is start early. While it's never too late to introduce new principles or convictions to your children, you have an edge when they are much younger. To this end, these are fantastic resources dealing with the broader topic of purity geared toward tweens and younger:

8 Great Dates for Moms and Daughters: How to Talk About True Beauty, Cool Fashion, and...Modesty! (Secret Keeper Girl) A very helpful, fun, fresh and relevant guide for mom's to go through with their little girls. Lots of fantastic conversation starters. There is also a Secret Keepers website loaded with tons of other great resources!

Princess & the Kiss: A Story of God's Gift of Purity
This is a beautifully illustrated, sweet story on purity to read to your daughter. Appropriate for 4-10ish.

Life Lessons from the Princess and the Kiss (Revive Our Hearts)
This is a Bible Study Guide that accompanies the book. Good for you to work through with your tween age girls.

The Squire and the Scroll: A Tale of the Reward of a Pure Heart This is by the same author as the Princess books, only targeted towards boys. Appropriate for 4-10ish.

Life Lessons from the Squire and the Scroll (Revive Our Hearts) This is a Bible Study Guide that accompanies the book. great for dads (or moms) to work through with tween boys.

Teknon and the CHAMPION Warriors: Mentor Guide - Father
Teknon and the CHAMPION Warriors Mission Guide - Son
Teknon and the CHAMPION Warriors
This is a fantastic 16 week interactive course for fathers to tackle with their tween-age boys. The lessons are fast paced, practical, and easy to use. There is a 'mentor guide' for dad, a 'mission guide' for son, and a fast paced, futuristic, sci-fi novel as well. The lessons tackle themes like family relationships, pornography, peer pressure, dating, managing discouragement, overcoming failure, sexual temptation and developing convictions. I highly recommend it.

Passport2Purity (Book & CD Set) If you are looking for a product to give you a weekend away and a chance to impact your tween by giving you some sound Biblical talking points, look no further than this great resource from Dennis and Barbara Rainey. It's worth noting that you will want to review and customize this material and your presentation to fit your child and your families convictions, especially if you are leaning towards the courtship model for relationships. However, this is still a sound choice for reviewing Biblical standards for purity, modesty and morality.

For older kids:

Author Vicky Courtney has written some very helpful books on navigating the teen years with a good dose of Biblical wisdom and practical applications sprinkled with wit and humor. These are some of my favorites. It's worth noting that if your family prefers a 'dating' approach to the 'courtship' ideals, these books provide some tips, tricks and helpful parameters and boundaries for romantic relationships in the teen years.

Your Girl: Raising a Godly Daughter in an Ungodly World This book is rich in scripture and advice to help you navigate the culture and gives you key talking points for discussion with your daughter or even a group of other moms!

Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter This book by the same author as the book above is a vital tool in any mom's tool box. She covers five specific areas
1. You are more than the sum of your parts
2. Don't be in such a hurry to grow up
3. Sex is great and worth the wait
4. It's OK to dream about marriage and motherhood
5. Girls gone wild are a dime a dozen--dare to be virtuous
and gives points to have these discussions from 5 yrs and up!

Your Boy: Raising a Godly Son in an Ungodly World This book is rich in scripture and advice to help you navigate the culture and gives you key talking points for discussion with your son or even a group of other moms!

Secret Keeper: The Delicate Power of Modesty If you are looking for talking points on modesty, purity and how to 'dress appropriately' for your tween/teenage daughter, look no further than this powerful, insightful and relevant book by Dannah Gresh. Fun, fresh, and fashion forward.

Authentic Beauty: The Shaping of a Set-Apart Young Woman In this book, author Leslie Ludy candidly shares from her own experiences her journey to realize her worth should be found in Christ. She explains how finding that worth transforms you and helps you realize and begin to live a set-apart life. Very personal, some details may be a bit intense for your younger girls, I recommend this for about 14 and up. A wise mom might couple it with the Bible study guide listed below.

Authentic Beauty, Going Deeper: A Study Guide for the Set-Apart Young Woman
In this accompanying journal, Leslie gives you the opportunity to talk, write, and think through what it means to find unshakable fulfillment in a daily romance with Christ. Whether you are reading on your own or with a group, this 12-part guide will point you to Jesus Christ - the heroic Prince you have always dreamed of — and enable you to fall in love with Him like never before. Discover what it means to become fully set-apart for Christ, and experience the only true answer to the deepest longings of your feminine heart.

On sexual purity:

Why True Love Waits: The Definitive Book on How to Help Your Kids Resist Sexual Pressure
From leading Christian Apologist and well known speaker Josh McDowell comes this definitive reference book loaded with sobering statistics. It is intended to prepare adults with answers and a solution to kids' struggles to remain sexually pure in today's culture.

Back to the topic at hand...Courtship and dating:

I Kissed Dating Goodbye
This is the first book I read that both challenged my thoughts on recreational dating yet validated what I had been telling teens in our youth group. (You shouldn't date until you are ready to be married.) The main message of this book (to me) was that teens should treasure the gift of the season of singleness that the teen years provide and instead of pursuing empty romantic entanglements, pursue a stronger relationship with Christ. It challenges young people to use that season for worthy pursuits like missions trips, apprenticeships, volunteer opportunities or even entrepreneurial pursuits.

Do Hard Things: A Teenage Rebellion Against Low Expectations While not on dating or courtship, I'm including this book. Written by Josh's younger brothers (Alex and Brett), it takes the message of harnessing your teen years and using them for good and really challenges the reader to do something exceptional. I highly recommend it.

Passion and Purity: Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control Before Josh Harris came onto the scene with his book (I Kissed Dating Goodbye), this was the definitive work on leaving your love life in God's hands. By Elisabeth Elliot

Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship
A practical follow-up book to I Kissed Dating Goodbye filled with true-life stories, personal anecdotes, practical principles and Biblical wisdom. A "nuts and bolts" look at what to to do when you are ready to pursue a romantic relationship without being legalistic or contrived.

The Dating Trap: Helping Your Children Make Wise Choices in Their Relationships
I found this under-rated jewel perusing McKay's one day. Highly practical, Biblically grounded, thoroughly researched, deeply challenging. Well written, and since the intended audience is parents, this book provides a completely different perspective. I highly recommend this, especially if you find yourself on the fence.

Of Knights and Fair Maidens: A Radical New Way to Develop Old-fashioned Relationships
You remember when you reached that epiphany, "I quit this dating stuff. I'm just going to be friends with everyone until I get a 'green light' from God." I had that kind of 'stop light' moment and took a break from the dating scene for a little over a year in college. I would venture that most adults remember a time like that. This book was birthed from the authors moments like that...only while they were taking their break, they were introduced to the ideals and principles of courtship. Written in a highly readable, interview style...this book helps readers learn fun, creative ways to get to know each other, strategies for developing character together, ideas to help a guy get to know a girls dad, and answers to tough questions about relationships.

When God Writes Your Love Story (Expanded Edition): The Ultimate Guide to Guy/Girl Relationships In this book, Eric and Leslie Ludy want to offer an exciting vision of hope, proving that the Author of romance is alive and well and that true and lasting love can become a reality. Using the “four secrets to an amazing love story,” Eric and Leslie present a Christ-centered approach to building a relationship that will stand the test of time. The principles presented here will benefit any young adult pursuing a romantic relationship.

When Dreams Come True: A Love Story Only God Could Write This book is a first person account of Eric and Leslie's relationship from their individual upbringings, through when they met and finally married. A beautiful story, with alternating chapters written by both of them, you get both perspectives of their budding romance. I think everyone wondering about principled romantic relationships will enjoy this book, but I believe youth workers will find it especially relevant to refer their youth struggling with relationship choices to this story. The authors are both brutally honest and transparent about early teen mistakes and heartbreaks. Their honesty gives their story a great deal of credibility and brings a message that will resonate with many young people searching for 'something better.'

Whew! That's a lot of reading, isn't it? Pick what sounds good to you and go slow. Be ready and willing to have your ideas challenged and your mind stretched. Pray a lot. Do your level best not to turn this is new idea into a formula for success or set of hard and fast rules, instead adopt the principles that work for your family. I'm praying for you!


missy said...

Thanks so much Phyllis for making this list for us to read. I have heard of some but not all these. We have made this decision for our family and have taught our children from a very young age what our goals are for them. Now it is what they want in the future also. This is a decision that I am glad we came to years ago especially now that I see the dating scene that so many kids we know are into. Wish I could have been at that meeting. I had planned to for so long but it was just too hard to leave a houseful of kids wanting to celebrate Valentines day. Thanks again for all the info. I hope to pass this link on to others when the subject of dating and courtship come up. Missy Parris

Phyllis@Aimless Conversation said...

You're welcome Missy! I know that our meeting falling on Valentine's day affected our attendance, but I still pray that this list of resources will be helpful to lots of families. If there are others you like or recommend, feel free to post them.And please do share this list (link) with other families looking for direction!

Cheryl said...

Did you or Eric do the TEKNON THINGS WITH THE BOYS OR DID YOU JUST READ THEM? sOUNDS REALLY COOL TO DO WITH jACK. sorry for the caps, but i'm not retyping..

Cheryl said...

By the way, I loved it! Great article. Thank you for posting this!! Love you.

Phyllis@Aimless Conversation said...

Cheryl, the TEKNON study you referenced is written for Dads to go through with their sons. Eric has used it for both boys who have experienced their ROP.